In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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