I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
