her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
