I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
