Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize