Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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