the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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