i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
