Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
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