You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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