I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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