Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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