he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
