the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Im part way to drunk.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
