i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
