I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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