He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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