mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
