I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
