help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize