she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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