i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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