I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
