I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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