splinters make it hard to masturbate
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize