dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
