You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
