Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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