That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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