So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
