seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
then he tried to convert me to islam
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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