i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
