dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
