careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
