with your own penis?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
