did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
