so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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