i need an iv and a liver transplant
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
