First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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