So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
