I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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