I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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