My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
