Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
