Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
did you just send me my own nude
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
