i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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