I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
