I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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