I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
