Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
