seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
