I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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