So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
