There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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