she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
