if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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