Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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