I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
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