Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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