I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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