I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
