i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
do nipples grow back?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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