the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
