Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
