yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
