my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
